I've been reading Harold Kushner's book WHEN ALL YOU'VE EVER WANTED ISN'T ENOUGH. It uses as its starting point the book of Ecclesiastes found in the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament). Kushner says that this is probably the most dangerous book in the Bible.
It has also always been my personal favorite book in the Bible. There probably isn't a week that goes by that I don't think of the phrase "Vanity of vanities! All is vanity." For Kushner he sees Ecclesiastes as written by a man in his middle age who is desperately afraid of dying before he has learned how to live.
Over the course of several chapters we follow both the writer of Ecclesiastes and modern humans whose lives have been consumed by the thirst for power, for wealth, for pleasure, for martyrdom and knowledge. All of these bring no comfort to the writer in his search for meaning.
At times in my life I have identified strongly with the writer of Ecclesiastes. Trying desperately to keep working on problems to find the single solution that will solve everything. I can't count the number of times that I've told myself- "If I can only get through this, then everything will be okay." It is like searching for that illusive key to happiness and fulfillment that never is found. I have walked down lots of paths looking for that illusive key. Trying to find the ultimate answer that makes everything make sense.
There is a quote by Adlai Stevenson " What a man knows at fifty that he did not know at twenty is incommunicable. " All the observations about life which can be communicated handily are as well known to a man at twenty who has been attentive as to a man at fifty. He has been told them all, he has read them all, but he has not lived them all. What he knows at fifty that he did not know at twenty is not the knowledge of formulas or forms of words, but of people, places, actions, a knowledge not gained by words but by touch, sight, sound, victories, failures, sleeplessness, devotion, love--the human experiences and emotions of this earth and oneself and other people; and perhaps too a little faith and a little reverence for things you cannot see." (quoted in William Attwood, Making it Through Middle Age, )
Carl Jung predicted that "in midlife we go back and fill in all the spaces that we left blank when we were growing up."
Towards the end of the book of Ecclesiastes the writer asks" What makes my life matter? What makes it more than a passing phenomenon, not worth noticing while I am alive and destined to be forgotten as soon as I am dead? His answer ultimately was, "I can't come up with an answer, but I instinctively feel that human life has to be more than mere biological existence. When I am happy at my work or with my family, when I love or am loved, when I am generous or thoughtful, I feel that something more significant than just being alive is going on. I feel human, and that feeling is more persuasive than logic or philosophy."
As I drove down to work this morning I looked at the world around me and remembered many rainy days from my past. As I picked up fallen branches in the church playground this morning I remembered other times in the past when I "lent a hand". There are times when I feel overwhelmed by the demands of job, family, and community. But I can truly say there are times when job, family and community are truly satisfying and in those moments lies the answer I've been seeking. Kushner makes a comment in the book that if we were supposed to find the ultimate answer then why does God continue to make tomorrows.
To paraphrase one of my favorite Jesus sayings " The Kingdom of God is not someplace else we go after we die or some place in the future. It is all around us right now if we can only see it." I think that is what Kushner is saying in his book.
Tomorrow is my 52nd Birthday. For me the Kushner book was a pretty good birthday present for a "middle-aged" man.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Weekend wrap up
After Friday night's big event, I spent Saturday morning working at Grace Church and helped clear limbs and debris from the playground area. We weren't able to finish but we made a sizable dent in the brush piles. I spent the rest of Saturday doing the same thing to my own yard. I finally cleared the last brush pile and moved it to the large pile in front of my house waiting for pickup. I also took down the broken section of my daughter's swing set. A large limb had cracked two of the support posts and bent the metal plate that attached the monkey bars to the slide section. I felt a little sad as I removed the broken part of the swing set. This was a gift from my parents to my daughter when she turned 3. It has been with her through two houses and lots of hours of play.
Sunday afternoon was spent hanging a tire swing off of a large limb on the same tree that dropped branches and took out the swing set. (That'll teach that tree!) I also spent a couple of hours trying to find the break in the invisible fence buried in our yard. Our dog hadn't figured out that it wasn't working, however she was slowly moving closer and closer to the boundary area of the fence this past week. My back yard is on a step slope. This weekend I feel like I've walked 10 miles all up hill with each wheelbarrow load of brush to take to street and and the dozen trips walking back and forth testing for breaks in the invisible fence.
In my EFM class for tomorrow the chapter is on Feminist Theology. As the only male in the class this is a conversation that I thought as I began to read the chapter would be difficult for me. However the ways in which I think and speak about God aren't in the traditional patriarchal style. When I think of God I find myself much more at home with Eastern thought than with much of the Western Christian thinking. To me, God is what we live and breathe and have our being in as we move through life. Almost like the space that encompasses everything and we move though that space. In my class last week I found myself in the minority as I believe that nature of God changes. Not just our understanding of God, which does change and evolve, but God changes. If something isn't growing and changing then to me it is dying. As an artist it is hard for me to not think of what faith calls creation as something static. I know that the science tells us the universe is always expanding or contracting. It is still in the process of being created. I'm sure there are lots of scholars who would disagree with me, but that's okay with me. My ideas grow and change as I explore and experience the world around me.
In the four years I've been a part of the Education for Ministry classes my understanding and ideas and beliefs have continued to change and evolve. There are still times when I think, "Why do I believe the things I do? In the grand scheme of life does any of this really matter?"
I thought of my attending worship services with my family each Sunday. Asking to be forgiven for the things I did that I shouldn't have done and the to be forgiven for the things that I should have done but didn't. Also to forgive those who did things to me or should have done things for me. I thought about attending the Rotary meetings each Wednesday as we recite the Rotary four way test- "Is it the truth? Is it fair to all concerned? Will it build goodwill and better friendships? Will it be beneficial to all concerned?"
One of the statements in the reading for this week states: " Some maintain that what we pray is what we do. Our work is our prayer and our prayer reflects our theology." My prayer is really a moment of shutting off the voice in my head and listening with my heart. Opening my heart to the world around me and its needs. As I think about my work I strive to live up to that idea, that the work I do during the week reflects my theology, my ethics and my integrity.
That's my 2 cents for a late Sunday evening.
Sunday afternoon was spent hanging a tire swing off of a large limb on the same tree that dropped branches and took out the swing set. (That'll teach that tree!) I also spent a couple of hours trying to find the break in the invisible fence buried in our yard. Our dog hadn't figured out that it wasn't working, however she was slowly moving closer and closer to the boundary area of the fence this past week. My back yard is on a step slope. This weekend I feel like I've walked 10 miles all up hill with each wheelbarrow load of brush to take to street and and the dozen trips walking back and forth testing for breaks in the invisible fence.
In my EFM class for tomorrow the chapter is on Feminist Theology. As the only male in the class this is a conversation that I thought as I began to read the chapter would be difficult for me. However the ways in which I think and speak about God aren't in the traditional patriarchal style. When I think of God I find myself much more at home with Eastern thought than with much of the Western Christian thinking. To me, God is what we live and breathe and have our being in as we move through life. Almost like the space that encompasses everything and we move though that space. In my class last week I found myself in the minority as I believe that nature of God changes. Not just our understanding of God, which does change and evolve, but God changes. If something isn't growing and changing then to me it is dying. As an artist it is hard for me to not think of what faith calls creation as something static. I know that the science tells us the universe is always expanding or contracting. It is still in the process of being created. I'm sure there are lots of scholars who would disagree with me, but that's okay with me. My ideas grow and change as I explore and experience the world around me.
In the four years I've been a part of the Education for Ministry classes my understanding and ideas and beliefs have continued to change and evolve. There are still times when I think, "Why do I believe the things I do? In the grand scheme of life does any of this really matter?"
I thought of my attending worship services with my family each Sunday. Asking to be forgiven for the things I did that I shouldn't have done and the to be forgiven for the things that I should have done but didn't. Also to forgive those who did things to me or should have done things for me. I thought about attending the Rotary meetings each Wednesday as we recite the Rotary four way test- "Is it the truth? Is it fair to all concerned? Will it build goodwill and better friendships? Will it be beneficial to all concerned?"
One of the statements in the reading for this week states: " Some maintain that what we pray is what we do. Our work is our prayer and our prayer reflects our theology." My prayer is really a moment of shutting off the voice in my head and listening with my heart. Opening my heart to the world around me and its needs. As I think about my work I strive to live up to that idea, that the work I do during the week reflects my theology, my ethics and my integrity.
That's my 2 cents for a late Sunday evening.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Liberation theology
I feel as if I've been on a treadmill for almost a month now. It is beginning to slow down a little before it shifts back into high gear in early April. Yesterday was the first time in 3 weeks I was able to attend my EFM class. The chapter under review for my group was about liberation. I feel as if I need some liberation myself. One of the definitions of liberation relates to oppression. One of the different kinds of oppression related to being freed from bondage and how the nature of that bondage has changed over the centuries. The text book says that everyone is oppressed in some way. A question/opinion was raised by a member of the class, "Some people don't think they are oppressed until someone comes along and tells them they are." What does liberation mean to me?
I've been kind of mulling that thought around in my head. I know that this strikes at the heart of a lot of conservative and liberal ideologies. In a conversation I had last week with a friend of mine we talked about people who have potential but never use it. My friend told the story of a person who had a real disabling injury. He was talented enough that he could have gone to school to receive training and possibly find a job with a company even with his disability. The catch was he had to be willing to give up his disability status. The man decided to stay where he was. The man turned down the chance because he felt he had reached his potential where he was. He couldn't imagine becoming more than he already was. Trying to become more than he was meant risking the lose of his only means of income to support his family
I saw a story on the news about project Bootstrap by SIU that took workers who were low wage and low skilled and gave them the skills to become business owners. A man who was a worker at a salvage yard learned how to talk to bankers and do taxes and was able to buy the yard he had worked at when it went up for sale. He said that he never imagined he would be anything more than a worker in the yard.
In some ways we are all limited by who we believe we are. I know that sometimes in these past couple of months I look around and wonder why I feel compelled to put in 80-90 hours a week. My wife teaches classes all day and then comes home and spends hours preparing for classes the next day. I can't imagine success without that work load. I'm often envious of the people who can be successful doing only one thing. In my career I've designed the sets, lights, costumes, and sound, as well as help construct all those technical elements, directed the plays, marketed the plays, helped sell tickets, ushered for the plays, and cleaned the theatre after the plays. I find myself thinking how nice it would be to only work on one part of the whole production. To not be pulled in 10 different ways.
Have I created a world in which I'm trapped by my own abilities? Have I reached my level of success and can't see anything beyond who I am right now? What is my liberation? The old expression "Cream rises until it sours" comes into my head.
Spring break is coming in a couple of weeks. Hopefully I'll find some liberation in sitting next to the ocean and watching the waves as I soak up some rays.
I've been kind of mulling that thought around in my head. I know that this strikes at the heart of a lot of conservative and liberal ideologies. In a conversation I had last week with a friend of mine we talked about people who have potential but never use it. My friend told the story of a person who had a real disabling injury. He was talented enough that he could have gone to school to receive training and possibly find a job with a company even with his disability. The catch was he had to be willing to give up his disability status. The man decided to stay where he was. The man turned down the chance because he felt he had reached his potential where he was. He couldn't imagine becoming more than he already was. Trying to become more than he was meant risking the lose of his only means of income to support his family
I saw a story on the news about project Bootstrap by SIU that took workers who were low wage and low skilled and gave them the skills to become business owners. A man who was a worker at a salvage yard learned how to talk to bankers and do taxes and was able to buy the yard he had worked at when it went up for sale. He said that he never imagined he would be anything more than a worker in the yard.
In some ways we are all limited by who we believe we are. I know that sometimes in these past couple of months I look around and wonder why I feel compelled to put in 80-90 hours a week. My wife teaches classes all day and then comes home and spends hours preparing for classes the next day. I can't imagine success without that work load. I'm often envious of the people who can be successful doing only one thing. In my career I've designed the sets, lights, costumes, and sound, as well as help construct all those technical elements, directed the plays, marketed the plays, helped sell tickets, ushered for the plays, and cleaned the theatre after the plays. I find myself thinking how nice it would be to only work on one part of the whole production. To not be pulled in 10 different ways.
Have I created a world in which I'm trapped by my own abilities? Have I reached my level of success and can't see anything beyond who I am right now? What is my liberation? The old expression "Cream rises until it sours" comes into my head.
Spring break is coming in a couple of weeks. Hopefully I'll find some liberation in sitting next to the ocean and watching the waves as I soak up some rays.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Chex Mix
I'm always in charge of getting Jade fed breakfast in the morning. Jade is not a breakfast eater. This morning I gave Jade her choices for breakfast. She wanted soup (which is not unusual for her). I said "I thought you gave up soup for lent?" Jade with a totally straight face said "No. I gave up Chex mix".
Monday, March 9, 2009
Lent
It's hard to believe that it's only been a week since I last wrote something. It feels like so much longer. Maybe because of the 16-18 hour workdays. In the 11 days, I've judged two days of talent competitions for America's Got Talent, had 1Tech/3 Dress rehearsals for Ramona Quimby as well as 5 days of performances of Ramona Quimby(some 3 shows a day), we did the cast party after the performance on Sunday afternoon for Ramona with still 2 school matinee shows this morning, and provided the sound and tech support for the Vagina Monologues performance Saturday night. Last night I got home to a yard full of branches from when the tree trimmers came by last week. I had only finished cleaning up everything that had fallen during the story the week before.
I spent about 2 1/2 hours dragging branches from my yard to the pile on the street. Then I went in and made photo discs for the Ramona Quimby cast and tried to prepare for my read through of Sugar Bean Sisters tonight. As I sat exhausted on the couch after it got too dark to drag limbs I thought about the book Outliers and the story about a Chinese proverb that says "He who rises before the dawn to go to work will be a wealthy man." I'm not seeing the wealth. I'm just seeing the exhaustion. No one ever promised me that life would be easy. I thought about the line from the play Ramona Quimby when the dad tells Ramona "being a grown up means that sometimes you have to do things that you don't like doing." Ramona responds "it's not fair that life is not fair." I wish that the limbs in my yard didn't fall. My daughter Jade wishes that Daylight Savings Time didn't happen in the spring. (She really didn't like getting up today.) Somethings in life are hard. Somethings you have a choice about.
My daughter Jade is trying to give up her favorite food for Lent- Soup. Jade will eat soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (and has!) I thought I would try to give up artificial sweetener. I know that may sound odd. I generally put artificial sweetener in my coffee all day long. I know that it isn't good for me so I was trying to switch to natural sugar. I haven't been having much luck getting the measurements right. Too much... not enough... all while I'm exhausted from work. On Saturday I finally gave up and went back to my one packet of Splenda in my coffee. I know it doesn't seem like much. I probably should have given up sweeteners, both natural and artificial, altogether. Jade is doing a much better job of sticking to her Lent routine. I heard someone at church yesterday who will remain nameless that said "I didn't know that Lent was during Spring Break! I gave up beer for Lent, I just realized that I won't be able to drink a beer during Spring Break vacation, and I really like beer!"
I once tried giving up chocolate for lent. I did alright with that. Dieting is a little difficult for me but not impossible. You can take away my food but you can't take away my coffee.The season of Lent asks us to move out of the routine and into the intentional way of living. I'm trying to move out of my routine but this year I'm finding the going a lot tougher than usual.
I spent about 2 1/2 hours dragging branches from my yard to the pile on the street. Then I went in and made photo discs for the Ramona Quimby cast and tried to prepare for my read through of Sugar Bean Sisters tonight. As I sat exhausted on the couch after it got too dark to drag limbs I thought about the book Outliers and the story about a Chinese proverb that says "He who rises before the dawn to go to work will be a wealthy man." I'm not seeing the wealth. I'm just seeing the exhaustion. No one ever promised me that life would be easy. I thought about the line from the play Ramona Quimby when the dad tells Ramona "being a grown up means that sometimes you have to do things that you don't like doing." Ramona responds "it's not fair that life is not fair." I wish that the limbs in my yard didn't fall. My daughter Jade wishes that Daylight Savings Time didn't happen in the spring. (She really didn't like getting up today.) Somethings in life are hard. Somethings you have a choice about.
My daughter Jade is trying to give up her favorite food for Lent- Soup. Jade will eat soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (and has!) I thought I would try to give up artificial sweetener. I know that may sound odd. I generally put artificial sweetener in my coffee all day long. I know that it isn't good for me so I was trying to switch to natural sugar. I haven't been having much luck getting the measurements right. Too much... not enough... all while I'm exhausted from work. On Saturday I finally gave up and went back to my one packet of Splenda in my coffee. I know it doesn't seem like much. I probably should have given up sweeteners, both natural and artificial, altogether. Jade is doing a much better job of sticking to her Lent routine. I heard someone at church yesterday who will remain nameless that said "I didn't know that Lent was during Spring Break! I gave up beer for Lent, I just realized that I won't be able to drink a beer during Spring Break vacation, and I really like beer!"
I once tried giving up chocolate for lent. I did alright with that. Dieting is a little difficult for me but not impossible. You can take away my food but you can't take away my coffee.The season of Lent asks us to move out of the routine and into the intentional way of living. I'm trying to move out of my routine but this year I'm finding the going a lot tougher than usual.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Time management
I need another 24-36 hours between now and Thursday morning to fit in all the things that need to be done.
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