Wanting

I've been reading Harold Kushner's book WHEN ALL YOU'VE EVER WANTED ISN'T ENOUGH. It uses as its starting point the book of Ecclesiastes found in the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament). Kushner says that this is probably the most dangerous book in the Bible.

It has also always been my personal favorite book in the Bible. There probably isn't a week that goes by that I don't think of the phrase "Vanity of vanities! All is vanity." For Kushner he sees Ecclesiastes as written by a man in his middle age who is desperately afraid of dying before he has learned how to live.

Over the course of several chapters we follow both the writer of Ecclesiastes and modern humans whose lives have been consumed by the thirst for power, for wealth, for pleasure, for martyrdom and knowledge. All of these bring no comfort to the writer in his search for meaning.

At times in my life I have identified strongly with the writer of Ecclesiastes. Trying desperately to keep working on problems to find the single solution that will solve everything. I can't count the number of times that I've told myself- "If I can only get through this, then everything will be okay." It is like searching for that illusive key to happiness and fulfillment that never is found. I have walked down lots of paths looking for that illusive key. Trying to find the ultimate answer that makes everything make sense.

There is a quote by Adlai Stevenson " What a man knows at fifty that he did not know at twenty is incommunicable. " All the observations about life which can be communicated handily are as well known to a man at twenty who has been attentive as to a man at fifty. He has been told them all, he has read them all, but he has not lived them all. What he knows at fifty that he did not know at twenty is not the knowledge of formulas or forms of words, but of people, places, actions, a knowledge not gained by words but by touch, sight, sound, victories, failures, sleeplessness, devotion, love--the human experiences and emotions of this earth and oneself and other people; and perhaps too a little faith and a little reverence for things you cannot see." (quoted in William Attwood, Making it Through Middle Age, )

Carl Jung predicted that "in midlife we go back and fill in all the spaces that we left blank when we were growing up."

Towards the end of the book of Ecclesiastes the writer asks" What makes my life matter? What makes it more than a passing phenomenon, not worth noticing while I am alive and destined to be forgotten as soon as I am dead? His answer ultimately was, "I can't come up with an answer, but I instinctively feel that human life has to be more than mere biological existence. When I am happy at my work or with my family, when I love or am loved, when I am generous or thoughtful, I feel that something more significant than just being alive is going on. I feel human, and that feeling is more persuasive than logic or philosophy."

As I drove down to work this morning I looked at the world around me and remembered many rainy days from my past. As I picked up fallen branches in the church playground this morning I remembered other times in the past when I "lent a hand". There are times when I feel overwhelmed by the demands of job, family, and community. But I can truly say there are times when job, family and community are truly satisfying and in those moments lies the answer I've been seeking. Kushner makes a comment in the book that if we were supposed to find the ultimate answer then why does God continue to make tomorrows.

To paraphrase one of my favorite Jesus sayings " The Kingdom of God is not someplace else we go after we die or some place in the future. It is all around us right now if we can only see it." I think that is what Kushner is saying in his book.

Tomorrow is my 52nd Birthday. For me the Kushner book was a pretty good birthday present for a "middle-aged" man.