Here am I

It has been almost 20 days since I last posted and my mind has been turning over several issues. I've started writing this blog several times and then deleted it. Even when I'm sitting at home trying to unwind my mind is still working on some issue. If it isn't how to make some piece of scenery work, its on how to develop a better funding base or how to make meaning out of life in the world. One of adult performers at the theatre told me she was reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. She made the comment that sometimes she complains about a problem but doesn't want her husband to try to fix it. Is it genetic that men want to fix things? I can't help but try to find a solution to the problems that are placed in front of me. Part of my engineering brain wants to find a workable technical solution. Part of my creative brain is looking for a conceptual idea that will make a breakthrough. As a director/designer/and artist I look for ways to translate words, ideas and thoughts into physical realities that produce and emotional response and physical response from others.



I have finished up my last class in the final year in my Education for Ministry course. This course was originally designed for people to be able to move into ministry without having to go away to seminary. The creators of the course soon discovered that there was a large group of people who were ready for this educational experience but didn't want to go into the priesthood. They had reached a point in life that they wanted to find answers to the meaning of life and the meaning of death. I have to laugh as I write this because I don't consider myself a "religious" guy. I'm always worried that if I write about faith or about religion people will think I'm some kind of zealot who is out to convert the world. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I've always been the kind of doubting skeptic at the side who says "if this is the truth then prove it to me". "Why does any of this have any relevance in my life?" Last night I spent a couple of hours working on what I will say on June 7th when I've been asked to give the sermon about EFM. That is the Sunday right after Wizard of Oz opens. It is the final month of the current fiscal year for the theatre and we wrap up the 45th Anniversary Season. All these things keep moving back and forth in my head as I try to write my thoughts.

Isaiah's scripture passage of "Here am I; send me" is one that will be read on June 7th. I've been thinking about that passage. I think that this applies to so many things in life. The other phrase that comes to mind is "I can't do this." As I think about several of the great kids that have grown up at the theatre who are graduating from High School this year I want to pass on something to them. To give them something to help them on their path. Here is a tiny piece of wisdom I have learned. "Here am I; send me."

Several points in my life I have been at a crossroads. I've been called to do something that was not easy. That meant sacrifice and accepting a challenge that made me risk failure. I've been forced to make life changes when I found myself having to make a choice that was in conflict with my core beliefs. I've said to myself "how did I ever end up here?" For me I've found that I had to walk away from the easier choice towards a more difficult and sometimes a much more painful path in order to move forward. "I have to do this no matter how much it hurts even though part of me is yelling loudly "I can't do this" and dragging my feet. I once got a compliment from a friend that has stayed with me for many years. They told me how much they admired me because I was willing to go to the difficult places in life that they couldn't.

Maybe it is that stubborn streak in me that says I will not be defeated by this challenge. Maybe it is part of me that believes in integrity and says I can't change what I believe in even though it is going to cost me. The sign on my cabinet behind my desk says "having integrity is always painful. It is always much harder to act with integrity." I always thought that the phrase "Here am I; send me" was said in a loud clear voice like a soldier going off to war. A person filled with the spirit of God. now I believe that more often it is said just a few moments after "I just can't do that." "Here am I; send me" is said with a quiet voice, a resigned voice that you cannot turn away from what you are called to do, it is said from that point in the core of who you are when you know you can't walk away from difficult decision. It is said with a knowledge that this is going to be painful and not going to be easy, it is said with the courage of faith that somehow this is the right thing to do and you put yourself in God's hands and hope that the strength to do it will come, it is said with the hope that you will survive the ordeal. When God asked Moses to go to Egypt he begged God to send someone else. Throughout the story of God those who history has labeled giants of faith have been called and have all said, "I' can't do this." Then after a sigh said, "Here am I; send me".