Passing years

I was sitting tonight and watching a movie about small town life.  The acoustic music in the movie transported me back to a time when I was 18 living in Whitewater which was a small town of 12,000 people living in a house I rented with some other students.  I remembered sitting in my living room listening  Art Garfunkel singing about my little town.  As I sat here in my family room thinking back I had two images juxtaposed in my head- the living room I would sit in late at night in college listening to music and imagining the future and the present sitting in my family room 40 years later listening to my daughter decorating the Christmas Tree in our living room with my wife who I began to date 40 years ago.

The journey that my life has taken leading to the house I'm living in and the family and career I've had over the 40 years was something that I never could have imagined sitting in that living room listening to music 40 years ago.  I recently returned from Madison WI from a directors conference and I find it fascinating to sit in a room with so many other directors and talk with them as to how their lives have turned out the way they have. It is so easy to fall into the trap of self importance when you work in a small community and there aren't many other directors who you can compare yourself to.

So what did I learn from going to Madison.  The question was raised there as to how many of us thought that our theatre's would fall apart if we weren't there.  I know that the Market House Theatre would still continue to operate and to do shows.  The question for me is not if it would fall apart but have I made the theatre too co-dependent on me.  My willingness to do the design, direction, and so many other jobs to make sure the theatre continues to thrive hasn't created opportunities for others to take on those responsibilities.  In my performance review this year it was noted that I needed to let go and delegate more of my responsibilities to others so I could concentrate on big issues facing the theatre.  Kristin Williams the other day said I have the same disease she does- "namely I'm too busy trying to keep the day to day things going and not spending enough time looking and planning for the future.

In some ways I think that is how my life has gone.  I've been so busy looking at the next project and working on what was right in front of me that I've neglected to do the planning that will allow me to plan for what life will hold for me for the next 10 years.  I will only have a short time with Jade still at home before she moves off into the world to begin her life.  As I was climbing ladders today doing the lighting for The Best Christmas Pageant I thought about how much longer I can continue to climb ladders.  Several of the the theater directors are talking about succession planning.  There are a large number of directors my age and older at the conference and we are all thinking about our legacy and the organizations that we leave.

I've come back determined to do a better job of transitioning certain tasks that I do at the theatre.  That will require hiring some new and younger staff members to take over some of my day to day duties.  Hopefully that will allow me to be more effective in how I can contribute in other areas.  I've always wanted to write more and to develop some other shows.  I've also wanted to travel more than I have.  Letting go of some things can be difficult but I think will ultimately make the theatre a better organization.   My challenge will be to find and develop those persons who might be able to help me make those transitions.  It's definitely worth trying at the very least!

Success Leadership and Mountaintops

We've had such a wonderful response to Les Mis.  People are raving about it and congratulating the theatre on such a great production.  One of the staff told someone that I was basking in the praise.  If you know me you know that nothing can be farther from the truth.

I am reminded of Jim Henson and comments he made after the film The Dark Crystal opened.  He and his design team had spent 5 years working on this project.  They literally lived, ate and breathed nothing but the Dark Crystal for over 2 straight years.  They all went to the premiere and it received rave reviews.  Everyone was buzzing about the film.  The design team all looked at each other after the premiere and then said- Ok where do you want to go eat?

It's kind of like that for me in the theatre.  I can pour every ounce I have into a project and then once it opens I'm a little lost.  I've completed the project and now I'm kind of at loose ends until the next challenge begins.  A friend of mine called me a workaholic.  I guess that is true in some ways.  Unless I'm creating I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm already looking over that next hill to see what lies out beyond the horizon.

I also know that I'm a big fish in a small pond.  It is so easy to get filled with your success and self importance that you lose sight of what is important.  The old saying Cream rises until it sours is a constant refrain in my head.  Have I risen to the top and when will I know when I've started to believe in my own self importance more than the larger goals.

Like the Dark Crystal story I know too that fame is fleeting and fickle. It can give you that mountain top experience when everyone loves your work but you are listening to the little voice in your head that says- 2 months from now when the next show opens I have to prove myself all over again.  It reminds me of the journey of faith.  You never get to stay at the mountain top!  You are always on a journey towards it and when you arrive at one mountain top you look over and there is another one that you have to climb.  Moses lead the Hebrews to the promised land,  he could see it, he could almost get there but because he broke the tablets he was not allowed to enter it.  I sometimes feel that way.  I can direct and design and lead a cast of people to the mountain top.  I just can't seem to get there myself.  I'm always leading from the front and then walking to the back to make sure everyone else has made it before I walk back to the front and set out for the next part of the journey.

I think that too often the mainstream religious movements depict heaven as a place you get to and stay there forever in some sort euphoric dream.  This may come as no surprise to people who know me, but I can't imagine such a place.  Maybe that is why I always turn to the scripture in the bible about the futility of success and the vanity that life brings.   You can build huge monuments to the life you lived.  You can have a smashing success in the shows you produce.  But you can't take it with you to quote a play title.

Living through the middle of my 50's and watching my physical and mental abilities start to be affected by aging has been a humbling experience for me.  I can look at people I've known for years and have to search my brain to think of their last name.  My brain which has always been for me a rock solid foundation is now tentative and sometimes hard to focus.  My physical ability to climb ladders and pull all nighters to get a show done robs me of so much energy that it now takes me days to recover instead of hours.  Watching my once strong and proud father succumb to Alzheimer's disease as it robs him of his memories and his body weakens to the point that he must depend on others for his most basic needs is humbling.  I know that someday I might be in the same position and it humbles me to know how fleeting this sense of accomplishment and success are.  

One of my personal challenges is how to  learn how to enjoy the mountaintop while I'm here.  To allow myself to breathe and savor the sweetness of success.  To sit down in the shade of a tree and rest.  To refresh and to find the calmness even though I know I will have to get back up and start lead again.

Success is a difficult thing for me to process.  A french philosopher once said.  I don't believe in heaven for myself.  I believe in it for all of my family and friends without hesitation, but for me I can't see that I will ever make it there.  I will always be on the journey striving to get there.   For the moment the cast, crew and orchestra of Les Mis have earned a well deserved success.   I want them to live in this moment and soak it in with all the accolades they deserve for an incredible job well done.  I want them to rest and refresh and to know they have made it.

I'm trying my best to rest and not to feel at loose ends while looking off to the horizon wondering if I am up to the challenges that lie around the next bend in the journey.

Good Friday thoughts

I thought I would take a few minutes at lunch today to write-

As I woke this morning and had my usual Friday meeting with my friend and retired priest Nick this morning we mused over the meaning of Good Friday in the world today.  I couldn't help but think about all of the controversy that is running through our country right now, gun control, immigration, same sex marriage, etc....   A few years ago there was a fad that started called WWJD or What Would Jesus Do.  I can only image the parables coming from Jesus when asked about weapons and the right to defend yourself.

I grew up owning a Remington 20 gauge shotgun that my father allowed me to buy as a teenager.  We went pheasant hunting in South Dakota and deer hunting in Northern WI.  I grew up going to the Winchester shooting range and learning to shoot trap and clay pigeons.  My father owned a pistol and did target practice.  Recently we had to remove the guns from my father who is suffering from Alzheimers and insisted on keeping them loaded and nearby as he became more afraid of the unfamiliar world around him.  I found an interesting statistic yesterday.  More people die from guns in the home and suicide than of gun street violence.  Sadly there are a large number of teens who don't understand that emotional pain can be temporary turn to suicide or violence using guns.  As I watched some of the people propounding the use of guns to defend their families and property I wondered  What Would Jesus Do?

In the immigration arguments about those people who came here illegally I wondered if my Irish ancestors (Cochran) came off the boat legally?  Those people who have migrated for thousands of years to strange lands to find work or opportunity or a better life.  Many of whom were my ancestors.  Those strangers on the road who were passed by in the parable of the good samaritan.  (Samaritan's were immigrants too.)  What would Jesus have said to those strangers in a strange land?

Marriage described by one theologian is the process of two rough rocks rubbing against each other until they become smooth.  After 30 years of marriage I would bet that my wife would say I'm still pretty rough around the edges.  Relationships are hard work and you have to be willing to allow yourself to be hurt sometimes because we certainly hurt those we love more often than not when we try to make them conform to our needs.   My first love was a beautiful young woman  in high school that was trying to understand her own sexuality.  When she bravely told me about her confused feelings I was at a loss.  But as I spent an afternoon riding around in a city bus confused and hurt.  I turned to a man who was my Sunday school teacher who I ran into by accident while wandering around that day.  I do think God was guiding my footsteps.  He confided in me that afternoon that his daughter was gay.  I talked with him and I understood that if I really loved this girl I had to allow her to be who she was and that meant allowing her to love someone else.  I do think that afternoon Jesus was talking to me through that teacher.

On this Good Friday afternoon it seems right to take a moment and reflect on What Would Jesus Do?  I don't consider myself as a religious person.  I'm not really all that devout.  But I'm grateful for at least one day a year when the calendar calls out to me to reflect on the small trials that I face in life and how I respond to those in need and those who I have judged worthy or not.