Winter

Winter does something to me. It always challenges me. I went out into the back yard the other night to let me dog out. Goldie refuses to do her business unless I’m standing in the back yard within about 20 feet of her. As I stood there I looked at a large tree in my back yard that was completely bare of leaves. It had a shape against the sky that called to my mind those ancient trees that have stood for centuries. The silhouette was not nicely rounded into a pleasing shape but filled with branches that were bent and angled and even curled back on themselves into large joints. Like an ancient witches fingers. The kind of limbs that artists love to draw. It reminded me of an old movie that I liked in college called Cat People about an ancient African tree and its mystical power. Behind the tree the sky was filled with large clouds rushing by over head. The wind wasn’t very strong on the ground where I was standing but overhead the clouds were moving in a urgent flight.

I wished that I could draw a picture of this tree at night or take a photo or a video of this scene. The clouds were rushing off either to face something in the east or fleeing from something in the west the way animals flee from a forest fire. It felt like there was a war about to begin and that the forces from one side were rushing to the front while others were fleeing from the coming battle. It is hard not to be swept one way or the other.

There are a dozen projects that I’m working on at the present and sometimes it feels like those clouds. Everyone is giving advice, pushing me in one direction or another. I’m being tossed about by business planning models and artistic statements of truth. Each time in the past I’ve been able to overcome the challenges through hard work and perseverance. Keeping my eyes firmly fixed on the goals. It seems harder with each passing year to resist the forces pushing from all sides and stay focused. The winds wanting to rush to the front for the battle. Wanting to win the battle and declare victory. But there never seems to be any victory. Just a brief rest before the next battle. I’ve always told myself if I can just get through this, then everything will be okay. Peace will finally come. But peace has been elusive. Accomplish one goal and a dozen more line up to take its place.

I’m reminded of the old farmer who plows the field in the midst of a war raging all around him. He has seeds to sow and planting that needs to be accomplished. Wars will continue to come and go. Battles will be fought on all sides of him. He no longer runs off to battle with each new threat. He continues to the till the ground. To prepare the earth for something new to grow. When he was young he dropped everything and ran to the front with the others. He has known intense love and honor and glory. But those things don't last long, they come and go on the currents of the wind.

Only one thing is certain. Winter will come again next year and the field will need to be prepared for growth. No matter how big his harvest at the end of the previous year, Winter will come again.

That is where I find myself after so many years. In the midst of winter preparing to till the ground for another year.